Words to Retire

"Whazzup, home slice? You betta checkity-check yo-self--my rhymes are off the heezy! Holla!"

I am in no way ahead of the curve on slang nor do I profess to be. And everyone has his or her idiosyncratic little bits of speech. But honestly, if you're using one of the following phrases at home or at work, you are a MORON!!

1. out-of-the-box
2. touch base
3. girlfriend (or the more racially-charged sisterfriend)
4. sweet
5. what happens in ___, stays in ____
6. thinking cap
7. what's up (said in Budweiser commercial voice)
8. brainstorming
9. don't go there
10. talk to the hand
11. so five minutes ago
12. groovy
13. replacing vowels with "izzy" or "izzle" etc.

Terrible! I know it's been beaten to death, but there are still MANY people using these words (and with a DECREASING sense of irony). So tell mom-ish Mary it is NOT ok to say "Did you have a groovy weekend" by the watercooler or dumdum Tom in accounting not to refer to his spreadsheet as "sweet"--otherwise these odious words are never going to die. Let your friends know that you will go there--and whenever you want to, wherever the fuck "there" is.

The Viper Room

Tricked you! It is NOT the celeb-spot of yore where Johnny Depp rubbed elbows with River Phoenix--it's WORK! Ha.

Today, a member of the bitcheswhodontwork committee (aka gala committee) called to order me around, her clipped orders followed by sounds of smacking lips and short sighs. Take this sentence: "Doesn't she know it's *uhh* URGENT? I mean *uuh* I'm going on VACATION! *uuuuh* *smack lips together* For TWO WEEKS!! *smack* *long sigh*"

Cute in Clueless. Less so in real life.

'Scuse me? Who the fuck talks like this beyond age 18 (and I'm being generous with that). Cool it with the valley-girl bullshit. It certainly will not make things happen any faster. Why are you talking to me like this? Maybe because Mr. Henderson was sooo totally unfair today in World History or Bobby canceled plans with you to go get high with his friends--*tsk* un-beee-lieeeveeable!!! *Ugh gawwwwwd*!!!!!!

Shut up and keep changing your kids' diaper, sweets--save the bitchy high school play for your dickless husband.

And, I have a meeting tomorrow with MARKETING to discuss a horrendous project that is being forced down my throat since I work with a bunch of schoolyard bullies I will have a PR reputation of horse shit by the time I leave this job. Which, dear readers, HAS to be in October or the sands of time have run out on my life.

Too bad the jumpsuit is at the cleaners'.

If You're a Teacher, You're Feeling Pretty Awesome Right Now

Summertime party, dolls...it's Memorial Day Weekend!

Sunning the backside to get ready for the Law & Order CI marathon on Monday...

Seems like just yesterday it was winter. Now is the official start of summer, so bust out the linen pants, white shoes, and watermelon liqueur!! Enjoy the weekend, fools--I've got an exotic trip to the sofa planned and I need at least two hours to get ready for boarding...in fact, I've been drinking in the "airport lounge" for three hours already!

America Has Voted (for once)

"If I can just squeeze out this one poot with no one knowing..."

Birmingham rejoice! America limbered up its pointer finger and dialed like mad and TAYLOR IS THE WINNER!!!

Katharine: green with envy.

Aw...poor pretty pouty glossy nude lips Katharine with her perfect waves and perky boobies...I know Ryan will miss peering into those (I'm sure he'd be more interested if they were glued on Clay Aiken's ass but oh well). LA loves you baby!

Congratulations Taylor. I know today is another proud day in Birmingham, AL history. Gas up that career and ride it to the end of time--or at least until the start of American Idol Season 6!!

"Good work boy! Now get on back here before too long...Boss Hogg's gonna need a replacment soon!"

*note to die-hards--I know the Dukes were from Hazzard County, GA. But it's still funny.

Dateline is Obsessed

If Victoria's Secret doesn't work out...there's always Cato Plus.

Journalistic exposes have long been valuable in effecting change in society, and I have no doubt the tradition will continue. Whether it be Upton Sinclair's graphic description of the horrors of the Chicago meat packing industry circa 1905 or Tyra Banks bravely facing the atrocious treatment the obese face every day (or maybe it's just that shawl--yeesh), those in the biz feel compelled to raise societal awareness and work for the common good....which brings me to Dateline.

What the hell, sickos? No news show has genuinely reveled in the explicit discussion of prurient subject matter quite like this...or practically squealed with glee during the sadistic revealing of would-be molesters. Now on it's 100000th "internet predator" special, I get the distinct feeling the producers, writers, hosts, etc. are really getting off on the whole thing. How many towns can you go to and set up the same sting (including Fairfax, VA...gawd NOVA is sick)? My favorite part is that one in every 5 creepy guys who show up admit they've seen a Dateline on catching their fellow cretins so enamored of underage girlies (or boy-ies).

Rob Stafford: Screen name--Cockteez Young1

Maybe everyone's tired. Enough with Iraq, enough with global warming, enough of other newsworthy events. Revealing dirty pervs on tv is fun! Look at their stunned faces! You mean it's NOT a 14-year-old cheerleader who's hot and ready for me here??? But but but...I'm a TEACHER! I'm a COACH!

"Avon calling...I have a big throbbing package for little Tommy."

And why do they keep bringing wine coolers? At 14 or 15 these chicks would be guzzling Miller Lite or maybe even some vodka (schnapps for the more faint of heart) by now.

And in case you missed it--a note on MSNBC's website assures you:
Missed the special?
Dateline will continue doing these investigations, so stay tuned.

Peach Review

Fruit roll-ups: not just for eating

Woooooooo hoooooooo another wild weekend chez Peach!
This weekend: Pay Per View. Because cable was a gift from my parents for Xmas and they're still kindly footing the bill (for now), can't be renting "Sopornos" or other salacious titles I'd actually really like to see. I'm relegated to tamer choices, like this weekend's movie: Doom

Cast: The Rock (who cares about the other people really)

Review: Hmmm....usually a connoiseur of thoroughly rotten films, this movie made me wonder what else I could be doing with my time. Suffering from a poisonous spider bite, swimming in raw sewage, or drinking bleach all come to mind.

Stars: 1/2 star (because The Rock is in it, and wearing tight t-shirt)

People Say the Darndest Things!!

I just want to be loved...or fed

Right now I am supposed to be working on something for theplacewhichmustnotbenamed, but have decided that can be postponed so I can humiliate myself a bit.

Was talking to a coworker yesterday, who was mystified by why I'm not dating anyone. Then she added "Big girls get dates all the time." Well! Thank you for the encouragement. It's refreshing to know there's equal opportunity for behemoths like me. Maybe if I'm REALLY lucky, I can lead an expedition into the Pacific Northwest, find Sasquatch, earn thousands in book deals, movie rights, etc. AND find my physically-appropriate match at the same time!

"Uuhh...I gotta go. I'll call you! Promise!"

And, it's not enough that she was so interested in asking the question once. It came up again--because she is just so INCREDULOUS that I'm not spreading my fat-lady circus freak loving around. If this were a court of law, I would be forced to admit that just before she delivered the oh-so-generous "Big girls get dates all the time" I had just said "Ughhhhhhhhhh my pants are too tight" while coworker was talking. However, we all know the incident and the comment are unrelated.

"Ready Paris?!"

"YES Nicole--just one more for the paparazzi. Grab Mischa and Lindsay and let's get over to Nobu. I'm fucking starving!"

We "big girls" have normal lives and normal hopes and dreams just like you! We work. We eat. We sleep. And yes, we even DATE (apparently). It's good to know that some people are so willing to look through the subcutaneous fat to give us a chance. My heart is truly warmed that I might find such a sensitive and well-developed soul who could see past my circular exterior to the soft tootsie "real me" center inside.

But does it like us? Maybe if it's in a very dark room and no one will ever know...

Idol for Richmond, but not America

"This is what I say to side parts."

Sorry Elliott! Even I had come around and was rooting for you. But on Wednesday night, America chose Taylor Yicks and Katherine McPhooey.

Will be writing you soon so you can come sing at my special event in October! You know you want to.

Blind Items

WHICH local construction/commercial real estate scion sent his very homosexual son to live abroad because he could not bear to have his flaming progeny come out in Richmond and embarrass him?

WHAT favorite society couple--and very successful business partnership--got married in order to cover his fondness for men and enable her aspirations of social climbing? The two are true toasts of the town and never NOT at a party or a function...which might be more about his love of drinking versus their love of socializing? It should be noted they rarely donate a dime to their beloved charities they're so busy schmoozing (and boozing) at unless it's his alma mater...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Weekend Update

Yaminions on the Boulevard. I became stuck (accidentally) in the Yamin parade while apartment hunting. No sightings of EY but plenty of teenage girls begging me to honk if I loved Elliott. A large paper truck driven by a very excited older black man was happy to oblige for the entire mile.

"I'm proud to annouce we went sunglasses shopping earlier and are both in agreement: we must stay fly, Richmond."

"See you at my place tonight. Keep the shades and lose the clothes."

Jeeeeezus.

The Weekend Guide

Go Elliott!!!!!!!!! Gooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even though apparently even his mother didn't know he had talent, Elliott is now Richmond's favorite son. And he will be at a Richmond Braves (how much longer will they be around) game tomorrow. We hear he'll also be riding down Boulevard at 4 p.m. tomorrow so people can go and wave at him! It will no doubt cause wonder and possible alarm among the crackheads and shopping cart vagrants.

I don't know if he was this popular when he got kicked out of Douglas Freeman in 10th grade or working at Westbury Pharmacy, but we're always proud when a local boy does good.

Sometimes.

"Sorry! I'll never tell you what nice legs you have again!!"

P.S.--Ok, purists--Pat is from Lexington, VA.

L-O-V-E & H-A-T-E II

Peach LOVES

1. Soft green grass
2. Cheese
3. Airports
4. Wedge heels
5. Astrology

Peach HATES

1. Digger the Dermatophyte commercial
2. Bluetooth headsets
3. Men in short neon running shorts
4. Chick lit
5. Cocktail onions

House of Ill Repoot

Management thought the new store sign would be much clearer

Working a side job in retail is not exciting, and the very adorable "home eclectique" shop I work in some weekends is not pulsing with cutting-edge style. But it's cute and pays 1/68 of the Old Navy bill.


"No, the perfume won't really help. Maybe you should drink it or let me shove it up your ass."


So an interesting phenomenon has occurred. Primarily shopped by women, the store is set up like a house, complete with upstairs and downstairs. Upstairs contains a "powder room," "laundry room," "library," "sale room," and "nursery." The least traversed room is the library, but every now and then a lady or two will wander in there to look...

When I decide to play shopgirl and move toward the room to "straighten and fluff" I'm often overcome by the overpowering smell of FARTS. The library is now a sort of a fart repository...the powder room is right next door why not be location-appropriate and drop your bombs in there? Maybe it's the merchandise that eases the release. But ladies--you're not fooling anyone! Thank god I have access to loads of Thymes Persian Pear room spray and hand towels from the laundry room to wave away customer methane.

AND that doesn't even begin to cover the husbands and boyfriends...but another time.

"Would mom like this red sweater or the blue one better...?"

Quit Bossing Me

Marketing: Evil

Thanks to more shitty ideas from marketing and Khan, I have been issued orders to begin PR efforts for another pathetic effort for the agency. Statewide media domination in two days I suppose. Yet, oddly enough, I've been given NO information on said project and have nothing to tell the "media" to spark our explosion of revenue. Being burned out and disgusted, this is your chance to vote on Peach's new job!

Beggar--long hours, must be people person, good storytelling skills a plus. No benefits, also no tax filing. Must be willing to weather the elments. Yearly income depends on iniative.

Pirate--leadership skills required, blood lust and murderous nature helpful, knowledge of sailing and seafaring a must. Team-oriented environment common. Yearly income potentially limitless; depends on booty and personal iniative.

Gold Digger--good looks necessary, tendency toward anorexia and self-absorbed behavior a plus. Love of vacations, several homes, "charity work", and shopping required. Must be willing to have kids to insure future (but there's always boarding school). Yearly income--dependent on husband.
Prostitute--Independent self-starter a good fit. Set own hours and rates, work at your own pace. Passion for pleasure and knowledge of dental dam required. Yearly income--in Las Vegas, lots. In Richmond, Va not so much.

Robber/Burgular--Job growth dependent on skill set. Hours either late at night or mid-day. Work alone or in teams. Ability to use weapons, a lack of remorse, and creative money laundering required. Yearly income could be thousands or millions (projection could be unreasonable due to watching too many movies).

Attention Race Fans!

"Don't look now boys, but grandma's flashing her tits again."

Cars: fast

Well, now they're over. But they were here. I don't really know what happened, but I would imagine it looked pretty much like this:

Waxing: not for everyone

While not a race fan myself, I have no doubt that it was a good time. How could any sport centered around drinking, yelling, and driving fast not be fun? Now that I'm thinking about it, why aren't I a race fan?

Oh...right.

Peach Eats

On today's menu:
Red's American Bistro at Philip Morris Headquarters.

Accepting an invite from friend Apple, I enjoyed the fine offerings of our local lung shriveler at Red's, the on-site restaurante of PMo. Decor includes lots of red and black (possibly a tribute to lung disease), complete with race car on wall--somewhat incongruent with vases of red roses on tables. But with eats this cheap, you could mount hospital waste on the wall and it wouldn't hamper my appetite at all.

"May I recommend the leftovers from Room 421 with that, ladies?"

As the first for dejeuner, we were able to soak up the ambience outside overlooking the lush green property, complete with a bird's eye view of the loading dock. Naturally the excellent service (waitresses in white tuxedo shirt and black bow tie) and wonderful company made up for that. Bread and iced tea flew to the table nearly before the words left our lips. Then, shrimp wrapped in crispy wonton wrappers for an appetizer with spicy red sauce. Ho-hum...and at three wontons resting on a bed of greens, Red's not aiming for satiety.

Apple ordered the penne with southwestern chicken, a hearty serving of chicken, pasta, and tangy sauce. Peach ordered the nicoise salad and was pleased to discover it was superb--potatoes roasted to perfection, black olives, french green beans, and tuna steak (slightly more done than preferred but good nonethless).

And for dessert....

You PMo workers know how to live! Apple was a real doll for picking up the tab for her skid row pal...who nearly was shat on by a bird. Very close call, and grainy yellow poop thankfully came at the end of lunch. But, an authentic experience when enjoying Richmond's scenery and indigent species. Returning to the King Dongs in the vending machine will be slightly more difficult now that I've seen how the profiting class live.

The Peach review: 3 stars

Where Are Your Guesses??

Don't be scared! Just guess. You have a good chance of getting the right answer.
Remember your teachers telling you that on the SAT's? Thanks fuckers...things turned out great!

But seriously, send your guesses to VA Peach. Though no prizes will be awarded, you can have the fun of guessing with no personal liability.

One girl's trash...

An amazing story that's all TRUE!

So, a friend of mine--let's call her Plum--has been harboring undying love for a certain boy-around-town (very cute, sufficiently wealthy, young, dangerously charming) and has been engaging in some information finding here and there.

Plum is walking the other day when she sees a shiny laptop sticking out of an alley trash can. Plum takes said laptop home in the hopes that it might work. When she plugs it in, lo and behold there are files related to a recent wedding of Richmond's young pearls, complete with addresses, guests, etc. Scrolling through files, whose name should appear but Mr. X!!! After more digging, Plum finds pictures!

Plum nearly dies. Unfortunately, the laptop conks out but not before Plum has saved all the addresses so that the overindulged folks on the social register (the wedding list) can be on the receiving end of a few pranks (now in development). It's not the lottery, but it'll do!

The lesson: girls, wipe out your hard drive before you toss your shit in the trash.
Lesson #2: Richmond is frighteningly small!

The Santa Claus Curse is REAL

WHO DID THIS TO ME???

Laugh all you want, but lately have found myself at the receiving end of a nasty spell. Tim Allen was on to something in his expose of the dreaded Curse of Santa Claus. And now, I'm telling you it was much more than a movie--it's very, very real.

It started with this
Then this
Does it end? I don't know...I might have to rent the movie to discover how to break this. Or else...

May is a little hot for wool.

The end...for now....