Jesus Juice Indeed

Tequila!

Drinking and driving isn't funny, as any MADD activist will tell you. Calling a policewoman "Sugar Tits" also technically not funny, it's sexual harrassment. Behaving in a belligerent manner toward a policeman...again, not funny. And it goes without saying that the comments are inexcusable.

But why is watching the crazy train gather more and more steam kind of fun?

Oops

Apparently previous post on former crush not true. I'm sure Mr. Sharp's career has not been ruined by this false accusation, and for the 4 people reading this--sorry for the misinformation!

Sincere apologies to JS--not so sincere really since you never gave me the time of day. Oh well...next time will check facts more closely.

Top Ten Reasons Cosmo is Douchey

Blow job how-to articles translate into any language!

1. Abbreviations of words, i.e. "sesh" for session, "sitch" for situation, "bod" for body, etc.
2. "Your man" referenced no less than 1,000,000 times per issue
3. Insistence on squishing every cover model's boobs up to chin
4. Practical "tips" include semi-stalking, tying silk scarves to Your Man's "member", and wrapping self in plastic wrap to greet Your Man
5. Worst. Clothes. Ever.
6. Helen Gurley Brown=The Crypt Keeper
7. Monthly fiction only good for bulimics--meaning, so bad will make you puke
8. Hot and Not list almost always references Paris Hilton
9. No quotes or stories from anyone over 22 (demographics are a bitch)
10. Is trussed up sex manual written by pervs working at Hearst. Likely while watching monkeys do it at the zoo.

Flush It

What looks more like shit than shit? Here's a clue...

Gross, right? Just because I'm fascinated here's one more:

Creepier than Chuckie, more revolting than raw sewage...the Wayans are knockin' it outta the park!

Crossing the Border

Two heads make four eyes to look down on you

Sometimes our "socialites" cross the Mason-Dixon and make it up to the Big Apple. And we're so proud! Especially in this case...nothing like a well-bred (and oh so classy) pissing contest amongst the rich.

The first started it, the second probably won't finish it. And the third will make you wretch.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/396116p-335756c.html (2nd item)

http://www.styleweekly.com/article.asp?idarticle=12615

http://www.roadmoretraveled.blogspot.com/

Almost Famous

Trees: aggressive

http://www.dailycandy.com/article.jsp?ArticleId=26525&city=11

Richmond's glory was spread to all those in the know today--ha ha all those that know to sign up for Daily Candy to get discounts on Tuesdays, at least.

Though I'm not sure the girls picked the best RIC has to offer, I'm still proud my little special ed baby made it to the first round of the spelling bee!

Swing Low, Sweet Minivan

Everyone loves a friendly neighborhood barbecue!

During a business lunch on Thursday of last week (at the glorious Olive Garden no less), received yet ANOTHER confirmation of swapping wives and couples getting it on behind a moonbounce at a recent neighborhood party in Twin Hickory--or Sin Hickory as it will now be known. I suppose trying on dicks like shoes helps alleviate the boredom of staying at home with your 2.5 kids and going to the pool every day.

Best new neighborhood indeed!
http://www.twinhickoryhomes.com/community_info.htm

P.S.--This picture actually came from their website--kudos for the truth in advertising!

Swing Out, Sister!!!

I'm done with him! Bring me another!!

Picture it...Richmond, summer of 2006. The magnolias have bloomed, the crepe myrtles are scenting the air, kids shriek with laughter as they come home from the pool, tossing their chlorine-soaked towels over the bannister of the porch. And, mom and dad are getting ready for their big key party!

That's right...three times heard via sources makes it a fact. There's a circle of swinging in town, and it's amongst the priveleged, attractive, and under 40 set. Am angling for an invite or at least some names. Have word that there's at least one major Ginter Park outpost, and a major nest in Stonewall Court.

Nostalgia at its best. http://www.nostalgiacentral.com/pop/keyparties.htm

Are you thinking what I'm thinking??? Let's ditch these bitches and hook it up.

Commercials That Solidify The Fact Advertising is DEAD

Mmmm... this is much better than hair pie any day....

1. Taco Bell "good to go"
Annoying, pointless, and not true. That shit drips or falls out everywhere. Blond guy in glasses needs to go work for Dell maybe and begin whole new wave of irritating ads for them. Thank you to thisiswhatwedonow for an excellent synapsis. http://www.thisiswhatwedonow.com/2005/07/only-thing-thats-good-to-go-is-your.html

2. Dr. "Z" ads for Chrysler. If you didn't hate Germans enough post World War II then watch these. Horrible concept, totally dated feel, and Dr. Z looks like he stepped right out of Madame Tussaud's. Ridiculous waste of airspace.
http://www.askdrz.com/?bid=1758115&adid=39232298&pid=12206054

3. Geico cavemen. "Roast duck with mango salsa." Actually, these are actually a little bit funny. But watching the cavemen makes me nauseated. Plus, we have enough fucking attitude from the average homosapien! Couldn't the cave people be more concerned with fire on sticks or an overdone pterodactyl burger? I guess that's the humor...but they're so ugly. http://www.awfulcommercials.com/archives/2005/12/04/geico-cavemen/

4. Allen & Allen. TERRIBLE. You are excited because your law office deigned to pick up the phone. Pathetic.

5. Any and all diapers. They soak up PEE. There is nothing romantic or cute about this fact. Same goes for pads. If you want cinema verite to really make your consumer feel your product's superiority, use real yellow liquid or thickened red Kool-Aid. I'm all for it. This site is totally unauthorized by me and has nothing to do with Huggies...but it could land you on Jerry Springer. http://www.dailydiapers.com/

6. The piece de resistance! Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes! Disgustingly so, he or she often does it without enough cushiony toilet paper. Charmin, can we please go back to Mr. Whipple? I'd much rather picture his prudish sensibility in my local grocery versus the frequently-dumping bears having a blast shaking their hairy chubby asses with joy thanks to the absorbency of your toilet paper.

Weekend Review

Spirit & Fun: Stamped out

Was the PITS! Betrayed by friends, hated by men, with ass growing way out of the range Lane Bryant can handle. And now facing return to theplacewhichmustnotbenamed tomorrow after a supremely shitty week off. What the hell is going on cosmically? I am afraid to ask if things can get any worse because, well, they CAN.

Destiny calls--humping is much better than reading

Just finished having a late dinner with a friend and her friend and her new boyfriend. WHO PROCEEDED TO MAKE OUT DURING DINNER AND REFERENCE HIS "STAMINA" AND HER "PENIS RUBBING UNDER THE TABLE" AND HOW "RABBIT SEX IS BAD"

Un-fucking-believable. That was one of the worst real-life (not movie or 3rd person account) of PDA I have ever witnessed. Am still gagging and throwing up french fries in my mouth. I was also the only one that ate to cope with the stress of the smacking kiss noises and fondling. For two hours.

Rocky Horror Picture Show Redux: The Keg Party

This looks way more fun than Shackelford's just was. I am still throwing up. I don't usually smoke or drink on school nights, but this was a 3-beer, dirty martini, 3 cig Sunday. After 10000000000000000000 drink 100000000000 cig weekend. Health is no longer an option.

Is Everyone Fucking 24??

Hmmm...who's cooler these days...Richard Marx or Color Me Badd...

Looking around at other bloggers pages, I am disturbed to find I'm the oldest person in cyberspace. For reals. Am also about to take this mofo down b/c my layout always looks like shiz.

Seriously. Every fucking blogger is 24 and being offered better gigs by VH-1 or book deals (well, maybe in 2005 they were. Or the end of 2004). Whatevs. Am fucking ancient!

Blind Item: Ted Casablancas Style

Once upon a time in burnished "Old Richmond" there lived a very prominent and well-to-do family whose money is so old their Cro-Magnon ancestors probably wore minks and raw diamonds. In said family, there's a long list of crazies, most with alcohol problems and obesity--just the trivial day to day issues of the horsey/boarding school/winter in Palm Beach set. Onward...

One descedant we'll call Aggressive Al--a prominent businessman with plenty of the "right" friends--is still wreaking havoc with his mercilessly mean ways around town, especially on his own family. Aggressive Al no longer speaks to his sister and cuts a wide berth around the rest of the family, but since the good ol' boys in this town stick together there's always a CCV encounter plus social functions to bring them back together. Recently at such--the wedding of Aggressive Al's daughter, Boney Bonnie, a major scene erupts: Aggressive Al runs into his niece, Pushy Paula, angry with her for supporting Boney Bonnie and toasting her "as a sister" (and for having a big mouth to tell Aggressive Al off at any chance), leading Al to cause a major scene which ended with him grabbing Boney Bonnie's emaciated arm and slinging her against the wall, leaving her in tears. Genteel manners out the window, Aggressive Al and Pushy Paula engage in all-out fighting, slinging accusations of alcoholism (both), inflicting eating disorders (Aggressive Al's daughters and new 2nd wife, bulimia and anorexia) and the real reason Boney Bonnie is so devastatingly anorexic. The reason? Molestation, friends, with Aggressive Al as the perpetrator. Since Al has threatened Pushy Paula with a law suit over that tidbit, she could only thickly hint to yours truly...

Any guesses?