Back to School, Fool

The event program

Good morning, class! So it's September now and I'm feeling that wistful nostalgia termed "back to school blues" in the good ol' days. With no halls to haunt or books to carry, I have to resort to buying new "school clothes" (work clothes) and "school supplies" (giant bottle of vodka from ABC store) and begin "new projects" (volunteer work for other stinkass nonprofits in town) with a clean slate.

Tonight was the 9th Annual Wine & Beer Tasting of the Dooley Noted Society of Maymont. And guess what? All the same fucking psychos that trawl every event were there. I saw--immediately, and in this order--

1. Creepy revolting man who has come into my retail job and asked me a hundred questions as well as for a personal tour of the store and if he could give me a nickname b/c my name was such a mouthful...am gagging while I type this

2. 45-year-old "Bobby Braces" who scavenges through women at charity events including the Virginia Museum's Friends of Art, where he approached me with bizarre come-ons that led to the revelation that he had just had a colonoscopy and his driver's license was from 1980. I saw it--was in sepia tones. He was not kidding.

3. Perv who in past worked at Theater IV and squeezed friend's ass during a congratulatory after-the-show hug--and I know this b/c said friend was with me and saw this former coworker/buttocks massager and related story

4. The most hated single man in town who is super hot but notorious for hooking up with everyone and never calling or making further dates--also a member of every "young professional" society and very Larry from Three's Company.

5. Hideous mutated morons

6. Hot guys with girlfriends

I give up! Am calling escort service.

I can only dream of finding a gem like this one.