Renters HELL

"Ummm...the rent seems a little high..."

Usually I'm generous when it comes to living in this ancient tar pit of white bread douchebags, but these days the fangs of cynicism are dripping with venom for the Old Dominion.

The quest for a new apartment in this shit town continues. Thankfully, the bar for tenements was set quite high around the turn of the century, so I might be able to enjoy indoor plumbing for $1,000 month (no utilities and this is fucking RICHMOND, VA) instead of slinging a slop jar into the streets below. I'm eagerly awaiting being awakened by the flora and fauna of my new digs--the delightful brown cockroaches I'll be dining (and breakfasting and lunching) with each morning, and the rats that will be chewing on my earlobes each night and procreating in the dark corners of my room. I chuckle to think of what fun it will be when bed bugs burrow beneath my flesh, I welcome the burgeoning number of new bill collectors with a mug of hot tea and skin lice, and I visit with the myriad of robbers, rapists, and other chaps in my humble bedroom.

"Oh please come in...yes, sorry...my a.c. is on the fritz right now!"

I'm actually hoping for a lawsuit since most of these places have rotten floorboards, porches, etc. Maybe the only time I'll actually come into some luck or some cash is lying in a hospital bed somewhere waiting for a check from the local slumlord.

P.S. I changed the font--what you think?