Bitches

"You do everything...and I'll take the credit, mkay? My husband has to think I'm doing something besides my personal trainer."

I've returned home from the placewhichmustnotbenamed at ELEVEN FUCKING PM. How does this happen? Well, begin with a "committee meeting" for a special event at 7 p.m., throw in some very special community-minded BITCHES and endless discussion about minute details and holier-than-thou instruction and commands, drink several glasses of cheap shiraz, and drive home with giant open bottle between legs to tiny smelly apartment. A very rewarding lifestyle, n'est-ce pas?

Here are the top ten reasons to NEVER work for a nonprofit organization:

1. The caste system still exists--and you're at the bottom
2. You could be the Rachel Ray of ramen noodles
3. Volunteer retention means ass-kissing, rim-jobbing, tongue-biting, and hand-holding
4. You make NO money yet ask for it every day in true "alms for the poor" style
5. Enjoy multi-tasking--you'll be working the jobs of three people!
6. You have no budget, no resources, and people are idiots
7. Natural disasters always win
8. A work wardrobe from Old Navy does not win respect with corporate contacts
9. You better like your car b/c you'll be driving it the next 15 years
10. Dating? Only if you like women or gay men.
    

"I'm not even 30-years-old yet...

aren't you jealous?"

So back to the bitches--the part I enjoy the most is licking the boots of the well-heeled, which as my boss tells me is a requirement for the job. The delight of cowtowing to some cunt-lick assholes who married well is a genuine joy...anything for the cause! And I love being reminded that you couldn't possibly attend meetings or make phone calls b/c you have tennis matches to play and kids to care for. Even though you have husbands, babysitters, nannies, friends, parents, etc. I know staring at Mary Stuart and Hunter while they shovel mashed peas into their mouths or chew on legos is much more important than helping the charity you care for so much. I appreciate your dedication and input!

"Welcome to my apartment...omigod they finally put the window in!

Today is the happiest day of my life."