Math Quiz: Work + Moving = ??

Answer below:

SUCKING

For those of you who answered incorrectly, go straight to special dumb dumb class.

Peach just joined the ranks of the other homeos in town--homeownership. Really not a home per se, but a v. v. v. small condo that I can't move into until the cell block is tranformed into a cell block with a dishwasher. Therefore, I'll be moving in with a friend for five whole months of "Odd Couple" style craziness. I'll be playing the part of the fat, slobby, bleakly depressed Janeane Garofalo* roommate, while friend will be playing the role of shrill, nit-picking, overly image-focused eating disordered/exercise bulimic (borderline) with no self esteem. Is going to be awesome laugh riot and will likely blow the Nielsen ratings through the roof!

*note Janeane is nowhere near fat--the reference is only to personality

So in the meantime, I've been going through mountains of clothes--which I should donate to VH1 for the next "I love the 90's" since it seems most of my wardrobe was inspired by Lisa Turtle or Jesse Spano on a good day. Or Patty Poole from "The Hogan Family." The closet is a fucking Jekyll and Hyde of neon-printed superteen YM fashion or a huge fat elastic-lovin' lady.

Oh my! You watch your language, missy!

Am v. excited to enter condo world and am sure will be filled with all sorts of juicy antics and incestuous neighbors. Until then, will be living off of cable t.v. and avoiding nights of man-trawling competition with roommate's Krazy Krew. Also know I am super asshole for complaining, as she's nice enough to take me in for a meager amount of $$ per month. That said, will be bigger challenge then "Survivor: Cook Islands!"

Back to School, Fool

The event program

Good morning, class! So it's September now and I'm feeling that wistful nostalgia termed "back to school blues" in the good ol' days. With no halls to haunt or books to carry, I have to resort to buying new "school clothes" (work clothes) and "school supplies" (giant bottle of vodka from ABC store) and begin "new projects" (volunteer work for other stinkass nonprofits in town) with a clean slate.

Tonight was the 9th Annual Wine & Beer Tasting of the Dooley Noted Society of Maymont. And guess what? All the same fucking psychos that trawl every event were there. I saw--immediately, and in this order--

1. Creepy revolting man who has come into my retail job and asked me a hundred questions as well as for a personal tour of the store and if he could give me a nickname b/c my name was such a mouthful...am gagging while I type this

2. 45-year-old "Bobby Braces" who scavenges through women at charity events including the Virginia Museum's Friends of Art, where he approached me with bizarre come-ons that led to the revelation that he had just had a colonoscopy and his driver's license was from 1980. I saw it--was in sepia tones. He was not kidding.

3. Perv who in past worked at Theater IV and squeezed friend's ass during a congratulatory after-the-show hug--and I know this b/c said friend was with me and saw this former coworker/buttocks massager and related story

4. The most hated single man in town who is super hot but notorious for hooking up with everyone and never calling or making further dates--also a member of every "young professional" society and very Larry from Three's Company.

5. Hideous mutated morons

6. Hot guys with girlfriends

I give up! Am calling escort service.

I can only dream of finding a gem like this one.